Monday, June 4, 2007

Whoever said fannypacks were the new Louis were seriously disturbed...

Saturday morning when I was running, I found myself asking, "Who is the queen of running anyways?" Clearly NOT a diva, that's for sure!

Attention ladies and gentlemen!!! I whipped out the "fuel bag" this weekend, AKA the fannypack on my run! I might as well of had a dildo hanging from my forehead - that's how redikalus I looked!

I started with the bag sitting like my low rider jeans fit - resting below the bellybutton, on my mother bearing hips. HOWEVER, we all know how my big ol' ass has got a mind of it's own. This J-Lo booty apparently did not like these bottles smackin' it with each step I took, and kept pushing it higher and higher. Which in turn made the bottles jump up and down like my badonkadonk was a trampoline. *Boing, Boing, Boing, Boing* Soooooooo, I moved the darn thing up. It doubled as a fannypack and a bustier. Ummmm, yeh... we'll continue to work on that accessory.

Speaking of accessories.... so what do ya'll think of me opening my own Diva Running Shop?! It could be the key essentials to make all runners as stylish and hot as Paris Hilton herself (minus the handcuffs of course! whoopsies!). I am thinking coach mini backpacks with a gold straw that hooks around the mouth for some chilled evian sipping?! We could even sell stocking stuffers like: sweat-resistant red lipstick, facial blotters, and top coat nail polish so your perfectly done pedicures don't get chipped! For our Saks Fifth and Neiman Marcus shoppers we could have large gifts like your own personal assistant to fan you while you run, touch up your make-up before you cross the finish line (god forbid you get caught on camera with smeared eyeliner or a drop of sweat above your sleekly waxed brows!), and to run along side you with a shopping cart filled to the rim with Diva Running "Must Haves" - spray on tanning mist (hellooooo, quick fix to the revolting farmer's tan one quickly develops from all this run in the sun), change of shoes (high heels to wear after the race), 3 bottles of ice cold aquafina or evian water, and some Issey Miyake perfume to spritz away all that stank. For an additional grand, he can come in uniform - cheerleading uniform that is! I am SURE I could round up my fellow captains to do some training before the event....


Kanye has got some competition with his "work out plan" song!

Also, I am thinking of contacting the VA beach marathon planners to come up with a NEW kind of competition. Instead of first, second, third place ribbons for whomever finishes quickest.... how about PLATINUM trophies for the women (or men if you wish!) who cross the finish line with the brightest red lipstick remaining?! A lil spicing things up has never hurt anyone?! Could be kinda fun...

Oops, looks like it's time for my run! Till next time, here is a remarkable quote from one of my idols....

""I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot."- Marilyn Monroe"

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Give me some more reasons to keep on running...

It's gettin' HOT in heahhhh - I'm talking straight up Nelly style! Seriously, this weather and humidity is just REDIKALUS --- My hair is outta control, and don't even get me started on the bugs flying all UP in my business! I am beginning to look like these two characters running down the street... That's right, Beavis and Butthead at their finest! Only, instead of the "toy store" passing, it would have to be either Caddies or Union Jacks (one of the local bars here in good ol' Bethesda). Here's a shoutout to my lovely kickballers - Ball Busters, I will see YOU all tomorrow at the far end of the flip cup table!

Despite the weather, if I do say so myself, I am quite pleased at what I have accomplished thus far. Before all this running came about, there were pretty much only three things I ran to:

#1: Half yearly sale at Nordstrom (no explanation needed)

#2: Latino men (they can really teach you a thing or 2 about the Mairangi hahaha)

#3: Roxy, my hairdresser at Alchemy Hair Salon (IMMEDIATELY following the first sighting of dreaded roots!)

Now, not that it's boring running by the same houses and condos every day, but I need a lil' more spicing up in this neighborhood to keep me entertained on my runs. Maybe I'll move out to the strip in Vegas, or better yet, the projects out in Detroit (Goldhammer, I'd look out for Eminem for you!).... you know there is probably always going to be SOMETHING entertaining going on in those neck of the woods! hey, gotta keep shit interesting!

What NOT to wear...

Hello all my little bumpkins... I wanted to share a little story with you. Now, I am currently trying to figure out what I would like to pursue a new career in, so I am going to pretend at the moment like I am writing for a magazine.... : ) No, seriously.

This is a TRUE story....

Soooooo, some of you know, other's please don't pass out, but yes, "prissy, high heel wearing, please monsieur wipe the sweat from my face, do these spandex make my butt look big, how can i wear dangly earrings when i run... they just keep smacking me in the face?!?" aka MOI has taken on a new found hobby of running in the last few months. And, even more shocking.... I actually kinda like it!

Anyways, a couple days ago one of my best friends, Monesha (who just ran in a marathon in Jan) asked me if I wanted to run the rock n roll 1/2 marathon in VA beach with her. Monesha coincidentally sent an e-mail that I received while I was "3 strong drinks deep (a lil intoxicated)".... so, what do i do.... SURE! Clicked right onto that website and signed this big ol' booty up! The next day I had that morning after of, "oh dear god, what have i done/gotten myself into?!" Whoopsies! Anyways, I quickly realized, there was simply no turning back now!

So, the wardrobe hunt begins. Clearly, starting with the proper shoes first. Where do you go when you want the best deals on shoes?!? DSW! Obviouslyyyy, I mean, come on girls... we all know they have the CUTEST designer shoes at WAY less (here's a prime example.... went shopping at Nordstrom today and stopped myself from buying an ADORABLE/MUST HAVE pair of chinese laundry shoes which were $79. 2 hours later, I got the SAME pair of shoes for just $41.... miracle? no, just god's subtle way of saying, "Janet, these shoes were MEANT for you.") okay, so anyways..... I started to get REALLY overwhelmed with all these cross training, running, air bubbles, gel spots!?! ahhhhhh, what's a girl to do!? I don't speak that kind of language. I call my coach - Monesha that is. She clearly did not know WHAT she was getting herself into when she asked me to join her in such a thing. So bear with me... Mo almost gagged when I told her I was at DSW, and ordered me to promptly get out of that pish-posh store and head over to Metro - which is a running/walking store. Obviously, I took her order and I was off.

I walk in with my gaucho pants, flip flops, coach bag, hoops, Gucci sunglasses, a little tank top, and headband to see 2 athletic/granola men staring me like, "No honey, you ain't in Bloomies anymore!" So I immediately said, "HELP ME!" No, seriously, i did. After a couple chuckles, they lead me to the back. Who knew that at a running store, you were supposed to bring socks? I thought that was just for bowling. The kind gentleman lent me a pair of NEON GREEN socks... matched perfectly with the gold and black outfit i was wearing - NOT (please say that in a Borat voice)!!! I started to develop a slight twitch just thinking about the fashion faux paux I was in the middle of.... As if that weren't embarrassing enough... he made me run for him! So, I am doing the Baywatch scene in neon socks?! Waaaaaaah!!!

Anyways, the kind man brings me out several pairs of shoes. Each time I had to do some running. Each time I am thinking, "what the hell am I even looking for? how come these things don't come with platforms, fancy buckles, or even a little kitten heel?!" So then, one pair felt good - However, they were this god awful blue color. ELECTRIC Blue! So, I kindly told the man, "I am sorry, but I don't do blue. It just doesn't look good on me. I don't own blue shirts, dresses, socks, nothing." He told me that I was kind of lucky, because those were the only shoes he actually did have in 2 colors. Monesha told me after I called to tell her about this debacle, that one of the number one rules is that you can't pick the color --- she SHOULD have told me this before. I could have prepped myself. He finally brought out a final pair that I just adored, and I told him I was especially happy because i LOVED the color! He looked at me kinda weird and said, "Are you playing with me now? I am sorry, that has got to be a joke." So then I got really confused, and was like, "No, why?? I am serious. These are the shoes I want." He said, "BUT THEY ARE BLUE!" I said, "Oh no my friend, theseee are TURQUOISE! One of my FAVORITE colors!" : ) He told his co-worker he "had a LOT to learn."

So then, I had to get something to help my dehydration, because when I have been running on hot days I get this awful foam like substance around my lips - Rule #1: Don't look like you have rabies when you are trying to pick up a possible hot man/men while running. Rule #2: Foam does not mesh well with red lipstick. It's a dreaded affair. Soooo, ladies and gents, I am currently bringing 80's style back. I bought a FANNY PACK! A fanny pack! ahhhhhhhh, ahahah this is so awful you just have to laugh at it. My velcro fanny pack holds 2 small water bottles to help with my foam situation.

That about sums it up so far... I will keep you posted on my journey as a prodigy runner! ; ) Next step is some deodorant looking thing for chafing?! oh dear, this could get ugly!