Saturday morning when I was running, I found myself asking, "Who is the queen of running anyways?" Clearly NOT a diva, that's for sure!
Attention ladies and gentlemen!!! I whipped out the "fuel bag" this weekend, AKA the fannypack on my run! I might as well of had a dildo hanging from my forehead - that's how redikalus I looked!
I started with the bag sitting like my low rider jeans fit - resting below the bellybutton, on my mother bearing hips. HOWEVER, we all know how my big ol' ass has got a mind of it's own. This J-Lo booty apparently did not like these bottles smackin' it with each step I took, and kept pushing it higher and higher. Which in turn made the bottles jump up and down like my badonkadonk was a trampoline. *Boing, Boing, Boing, Boing* Soooooooo, I moved the darn thing up. It doubled as a fannypack and a bustier. Ummmm, yeh... we'll continue to work on that accessory.
Speaking of accessories.... so what do ya'll think of me opening my own Diva Running Shop?! It could be the key essentials to make all runners as stylish and hot as Paris Hilton herself (minus the handcuffs of course! whoopsies!). I am thinking coach mini backpacks with a gold straw that hooks around the mouth for some chilled evian sipping?! We could even sell stocking stuffers like: sweat-resistant red lipstick, facial blotters, and top coat nail polish so your perfectly done pedicures don't get chipped! For our Saks Fifth and Neiman Marcus shoppers we could have large gifts like your own personal assistant to fan you while you run, touch up your make-up before you cross the finish line (god forbid you get caught on camera with smeared eyeliner or a drop of sweat above your sleekly waxed brows!), and to run along side you with a shopping cart filled to the rim with Diva Running "Must Haves" - spray on tanning mist (hellooooo, quick fix to the revolting farmer's tan one quickly develops from all this run in the sun), change of shoes (high heels to wear after the race), 3 bottles of ice cold aquafina or evian water, and some Issey Miyake perfume to spritz away all that stank. For an additional grand, he can come in uniform - cheerleading uniform that is! I am SURE I could round up my fellow captains to do some training before the event....
"G-O RUNNING DIVA QUEEEEEN,
POP, LOCK AND DROP IT MAKE SURE YOU'RE SEEN.
WORK OUT THOSE THUNDER THIGHS,
SMILE BEAUTIFUL, YOU LOOK SO FLY!"
Kanye has got some competition with his "work out plan" song!
Also, I am thinking of contacting the VA beach marathon planners to come up with a NEW kind of competition. Instead of first, second, third place ribbons for whomever finishes quickest.... how about PLATINUM trophies for the women (or men if you wish!) who cross the finish line with the brightest red lipstick remaining?! A lil spicing things up has never hurt anyone?! Could be kinda fun...
Oops, looks like it's time for my run! Till next time, here is a remarkable quote from one of my idols....
""I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot."- Marilyn Monroe"